


Behind Closed Doors

by eriequartz



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany), SKAM (France), SKAM (Norway)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety, Bad Boys, BoyxBoy, Bully, Bullying, Cheating, Closeted, College AU, Coming Out, Depression, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, First Kiss, First Love, First Meeting, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Panic, Gay Pride, Highschool AU, Homophobia, Humour, Internalised Homophobia, Kinda canon, Kink Discovery, LGBT, LGBTQ, Lesbian, Lesbians, Love, M/M, Mommy Issues, Mutual Pining, My First Fanfic, NSFW, No Beta, Nooreva, Not Really A Happy Ending, POV Third Person Limited, Pining, Pride, Roommates, SKAM Season 3, Sad Ending, Self-Discovery, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Suicide, Suicide mentions, Teen Angst, Useless Lesbians, WIP, Yearning, actually kinda a, angsty, bad boy, bit sad tbh, chrisak - Freeform, etl, first fic, isakxchris, mh, mlm, silde, slowburn, third person, vana - Freeform, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:02:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24945040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eriequartz/pseuds/eriequartz
Summary: Isak is 16, and inexperienced, he's kissed a few girls but never really felt anything, and after meeting Chris, a slutty third year boy, he realises maybe it wasn't that he couldn't feel - he just wasn't looking in the right place.aka: a chrisak fic about Isak discovering his sexuality
Relationships: Christoffer Schistad/Isak Valtersen, Eva Kviig Mohn/Noora Amalie Sætre, Even Bech Næsheim & Isak Valtersen, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Isak Valtersen/Jonas Noah Vasquez, Mikael Øverlie Boukhal/Jonas Noah Vasquez, Vilde Lien Hellerud/Sana Bakkoush, William Magnusson/Noora Amalie Sætre, evak
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	1. Bus Rides Home

**Author's Note:**

> Someone on twitter gave me this idea and I went with it, I've never really written a fic before, but gotta try everything once. Also I wrote this chapter at 3am so it might be shit. lol. enjoy? ig
> 
> tw:  
> I guess if u hate gay people this might not be the fic for you lol  
> also if u don't like chrisak this also may be one to skip

_**MONDAY** _

‘Isak, are you coming!’

Eva peaks round the corner of his room, an expectant grin plastered across her face, an eyebrow raised as she laughs while Isak hurries to get ready; grabbing a black hoodie from the floor of his room and hauling his jeans up to his waist. The hoodie is a little too big, and it was definitely not his but its 7:45 and they need to be on the bus by 8 so they can get to school on time. They practically race each other to the bus stop; arriving with plenty of time to spare but enjoying the adrenaline of lateness. Despite what Isak had done last year, Eva didn’t seem to mind anymore, she seemed okay that Isak had had a crush on her, and was content that it was over.

When they got on the bus, which reeked of piss and sweat despite only having three seats filled, they scrambled to the back, past the moody looking senior by the front, the old lady who was probably on her way to a knitting class, and the woman with a KB apron on, obviously working the morning shift. They looked around them, choking out jokes between fits of silent laughter, causing the old lady in front to turn around, a black raised eyebrow ruffling the feather-like wrinkles on her forehead.

They notice the senior, who Isak thought he recognised – but didn’t mention this to Eva – gets off a stop too soon, meaning he had to walk two blocks to school, and he and Isak made awkward eye contact in a short silence as the bus pulled away, the hissing of the worn tires adding an extra layer of awfulness to the bus, but the bus doesn’t really matter, it’s a place to go to and from school.

They reach school with not further laughter, a comfortable silence filling the air between them. When they got to school, Eva would go to find her new friend Noora, with whom she shared a desk in Spanish, and Isak would disappear to his biology lesson, before making awkward but bearable conversation with a boy whose name he barely knew. He’d give anything to be back next to Sana again, but they had been separated for arguing too often, and ‘disrupting the lesson’, even though they both flourished in the subject of hearts and brains. As the boy descended into his usual rambling, normally about some game, world of warcraft perhaps, a name filled Isak’s head. “Julian”. That was the boy’s name… now only to remember it.

The rest of the day was uneventful at best, he ate lunch with Eva, since Noora only had a half day, as did most of their other friends, and then he had English class with Eva, before then having Math, surprisingly also with Eva.

“I have to stay back after school.”

Eva’s grin turned into a look of bewilderment. “Oh? Why?”

“Extra credit biology. Turns out I owe Sana for helping me pass last year, Juliard is useless.”

“Julian”

“What?”

“His name, its Julian. But I know you know that.”

He didn’t respond. He couldn’t explain it, but he just didn’t like the kid; he found that he always seemed bored, a feeling only boring people feel.

“Ok, well I guess I’ll see you back at the flat then.”

Eva and Isak shared a flat. It wasn’t weird or anything, he had his room she had hers, though there was never much privacy between the two. They told each other everything. They had shared a flat for around a year, since Isak’s mum had had a mental breakdown and he needed to get out, and Eva’s parents had got divorced and her own mother moved back to bergen, while she stayed in Oslo.  
  


“Ok, bye”

“Bye Issy!” she beamed, now across the road at the bus stop, and within minutes she was gone. She knew he hated being called Issy.

He dragged himself back inside, into the uncomfortably bright biology lab, and settled himself for an hour of extra credit tutoring, specifically about genetics. Why did it have to be genetics? It didn’t make sense to him, how could some things be genetic and some not, and yet we have no control over either. He liked exactness. He liked to know in his own mind what was going on, why it was going on and when it would stop going on. He didn’t like not knowing; and even worse was not understanding. Both applied to biology.

After around 40 minutes, his tutor seemed appropriately bored, since he was a chemistry major, and decided to let “the class” go early, meaning Isak and another girl with bright white hair and sparkling eyes were allowed to leave. The girl bumbled up to him, “Hi, Isak right? You’re pretty cute! You should come to a party at my friend Sara’s on Saturday! I don’t know if you know her, but she’s really fun! You might like her.”

Her confidence was cute, and infuriating. “Oh, sure, who are you again? Sorry.”

Her smile faltered a little after that, seemingly losing its sparkle and suddenly becoming stiff and unnatural. “Vilde. We’ve known each other for years.” She still said it happily, still grinning, but something in her voice sounded thinner, less full.

“Sorry! I knew that! I have a lot going on right no-“

“Its fine. Sara’s on Saturday? Please come?”

“Sure.”

And with that, she was gone, reduced to a memory in Isak’s mind. An infuriating, confusing memory. He had known this girl for years, and had reduced her to simply a girl whose name he didn’t know. He felt a wave of dismay crash over him, as he realised how little he knew about his class, before straightening his back, stiffening his neck and following her out of the door, she was gone, but a glimpse at the clock above the door of the next classroom jerked him back into reality; he needed to catch a bus five minutes ago, he ran down the stairs, praying that the bus was late.

It was.

By the skin of his teeth, he gripped the bar and swung into the nearest seat to the door, about to plug in his headphones when a familiar but unknown face asked if he could sit next to him. “There are plenty of other seats around.” Isak gestured to the half empty bus, hoping that this stranger would take the hint and leave.

“But I want to sit here.”

Oh.Although through gritted teeth, Isak managed a smile as he gestured for the stranger to sit down, trying not to upset anymore people today. Whatever hopes he had had for his quiet bus ride home were dashed when the handsome stranger in front of him started asking questions, names, life story, and everything else he seemed to think of. Isak wasn’t gay, he didn’t think, but he knew when a guy was handsome, and this guy was.

Before he knew it, three stops had gone since his own and he was still on the bus, after realising too late and resigning himself to sitting next to this stranger until the bus went back around, after all it seemed preferable to a 50 minute walk home.

All at once, the bus stopped and the stranger stood up, along with a horde of others, and he offered an outstretched arm. “The next bus heading back that way comes in half an hour, want to come chill at my place until then?” Isak didn’t know why, but he felt compelled to come with the stranger. Maybe it was his childlike eyes, sparkling as he tried to hide a smile, or maybe it was the kind tone in which he spoke. His mother said never to talk to strangers, but she wasn’t here. So he went. The stranger was easy enough to speak to anyway, so he was sure he could struggle through a half hour conversation, maybe only twenty minutes if he excused himself early.

So, off the bus they got, and they left to go to the stranger’s house. “I’m Chris, by the way, Isak right?”

Why did everyone know his name, but he couldn’t even remember his biology partner’s.

“Yeah, Isak” he felt, something, when Chris knew his name, maybe it was just the fact that some cool senior was being nice to him, it didn’t happen often.

When they arrived, Isak was stunned. He hadn’t realised before but he was in one of the richest parts of Oslo, and before him stood a mansion, at least by comparison to the 2 bedroom flat he shared with three people, himself, Eva and Noora, Eva’s best friend who seemed to be there more often than not. Yet, here he stood, in front of a huge house with only one car parked in the driveway.

“Are your parents at work?” He asked, thinking he knew the answer; it seemed obvious that both parents have to work in order to live here.

“Nah” his new friend replied, “They go on trips all the time while I’m at school.”

For some reason, this struck Isak. His mum wasn’t great, but she never just left him on his own for a week, but then he wasn’t sure if she had a choice.

In they went, Chris seemingly unbothered by Isak’s stunned expression, and Isak feeling ashamed of his own lodgings and in awe of Chris’ life. “Do you want a drink? Water, tomato juice, wine?” A smirk that Isak hadn’t seen before crept onto Chris’ face, both when he offered tomato juice, which Isak assumed wasn’t nice, and wine, because, well, wine.

“I’ll take water, thanks.”

“Do you, uh, want anything to eat? I’m sure we have food somewhere.” He opened 6 cupboards to find a packet of pasta, some instant noodles and some ketchup. “I can make… tomato pasta?”

Isak laughed, “Actually I just had that for lunch.” Chris laughed along too. It was nice, it had been a while since Isak had spent time with anyone other than Eva, and it was truly nice.

Chris pushed himself onto the counter, and gestured for Isak to follow, which he did. He couldn’t have explained himself, he just felt like he ought to do what the handsome ex-stranger had suggested, like a puppy to its owner. Once again, he found himself noticing the big eyes of the stranger in front of him, doe-like, but brown, the colour that cinnamon smells like. Chris seemed to notice Isak too, and for more than a second they made eye contact, almost forgetting where they were.

“So… where did you get my hoodie from” Chris asked, a look of puzzled concern on his face.

Isak’s cheeks flushed “What? Oh uh I-“

“I’m kidding, lighten up dude.” _Dude_. That stung, but he didn’t know why.

The next half hour followed in the same way, each of them making jokes or statements and then discussing them and laughing all the while, and it was only when Isak checked his phone and saw a text from Eva that he realised he had spent more than two hours with Chris, something he didn’t mind, but he didn’t know why he was so open to this new friend.

“Oh shit, you missed you’re stop again,” Chris seemed amused, but feigned concern anyway, failing to hide a smile beneath his furrowed brow.

“Yeah, I guess I did.” Isak didn’t mean for it to sound like he didn’t care, but it did anyway, and he realised that he didn’t; he had been happy to be there with him.

“I can drive you home, if you want?”

“Sure.”

And off they went, Isak taking yet another risk as he got into the black sports car on the driveway, while Chris went a little too fast in the drivers seat. Suddenly, Chris’ hand found its way to Isak’s thigh; causing his leg to jerk – a reaction that seemed a little extreme, even to Isak.

“Shit. Sorry, I’m used to having girls in the car and obviously I do that,” he then forced out a laugh, and Isak did the same, unable to tell if that was the truth, but not really caring.

When he stepped out of the car, a thought dawned on Isak, and he made Chris roll down the window.

“Hey, why were you on the bus if you can drive?”  
  


“You meet more interesting people on the bus,” and with a wink, he drove away.


	2. Kissing the Wrong People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theres a party and some tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope u enjoy this! I don't really know where this is going but I'm kinda enjoying writing this lol. Also I wrote this chapter in three hours and I'm not sure if I like it. Feel free to comment lol

**_MONDAY_ **

As Isak watched the black sports car drive away from the apartment building, he felt butterflies nestling themselves firmly in his stomach. Did butterflies even nestle? That seemed like biology, so Isak let the subject sink from his mind as quickly as it had come. The butterflies began to fly around with guilt when he realised he was two hours late getting home and Eva would be waiting for him; probably worried.

However, when he reached the door to their apartment and began fumbling with the key, a giggling Noora opened the door, seemingly ready to leave, and her face flushed once she saw Isak, the colour both draining and saturating at once, although he wasn’t really sure why. “Leaving?”

“Yeah, I need to get home soon so I can cook for my roommate before he goes out for the night.” When she said this, she smiled. Isak had only met Eskild a few times, but every time he seemed full of life, and despite being almost 20, he still seemed completely incapable of basic tasks like cooking and cleaning, but he was definitely not incapable of making friends, as Isak had found out after being cornered for an hour at their Christmas party last year.

Then Eva appeared behind her, jerking away when she saw Isak, her face gaining a pink hue as well, before she said a short but polite goodbye to Noora, in a tone not unlike Chris’. The two swapped places in the hallway, and Noora left, looking over her shoulder and smiling at Eva, while Isak thought he saw her wink. He didn’t pry, and neither did Eva, he realised he was wrong in thinking she’d be worried - she barely seemed to notice that it was almost 7, and he’d left school at 4.

Hanging between them was a silence, not uncomfortable, but Isak could tell that she wasn’t telling him what was going on in her head, and he was sure his face betrayed that he was thinking the same. He didn’t really want to talk about his evening spent with Chris – he didn’t see a need, it was just two guys talking about nothing for a few hours while they ate toast – the only thing Chris seemed capable of making.

Isak was okay with this though. In his mind, he convinced himself that what he’d felt when he got out of the car was guilt, and that what he’d seen as he came in was simply a friend leaving the apartment – a friend that had seemingly also made Eva forget where she was.

In this time, which they both seemed to be treating as silent reflection, he thought of just how light he had felt around Chris, and even though he had barely known him for five minutes, he felt that he could sit in a silence with him too, comfortable and content, without a need to fill it. He also thought about the house he’d been to; how it was so fucking big and so fucking nice and yet, it had felt unhomely. Of course, the bigger a house was, the harder it was to make it feel cosy, but it was only when looking back that Isak realised he had barely seen any pictures anywhere – just blank walls and plain frames that held only intricate drawings instead of memory. He thought of how almost all of the walls were white, and the fact that the countertops were spotless, and the oven seemed hardly used. The house seemed hardly lived in. This made him feel almost sorry for Chris, it must be lonely to just live in a big house alone, and he realised how lucky he was, just to have a place he could call home – and a best friend he could come home to.

And yet, try as he might, he couldn’t seem to take his mind off of Chris.

*************************************************************************************

**_WEDNESDAY_ **

It had been three days since his first encounter with Chris, and whatever hopes he’d had of a friendship had been destroyed the next day, when he’d passed Chris in the hallway on the way to his Norwegian lit class, and despite his efforts to smile and catch his eye, he received only a view of the side of Chris’ face as he passed. It stung a little bit, but Isak didn’t know why, or maybe he did and didn’t want to think about it, because he kept walking to class, and when he checked again over his shoulder, Chris had gone.

Later that day, Isak realised where he had recognised Chris from in the first place, even before a word passed between them. The word “faggot” came to mind, as he watched William, Tomas and a group of other third years pass him by, succeeded by Chris. They were a group of people who seemed to find extreme strength in numbers, with William often “teasing” other kids around school. “Teasing” was what William called it, whenever any accusations were made by teachers, and they seemed to accept it.. What it was, Isak wasn’t sure. It wasn’t quite bullying – it never seemed to be the same person he was ‘teasing’, but it certainly wasn’t just light-hearted banter. Isak had been subject to a few of his (mostly) verbal attacks before, normally it started with a shove after Isak had “looked too hard”, and then William calling Isak an array of slurs and swears before howling with laughter and running down the hall to find his next prey.

This time, Chris did catch Isak’s eye, smiling as he did it, but after he’d realised the kind of person Chris was friends with, he wasn’t sure he really wanted to smile back, but something inside him couldn’t help it.

And then, the rest of the day passed, and then every other day passed and by Friday, Chris had only acknowledged Isak a handful of times despite them passing over a dozen, not that anyone was counting, and not that it mattered anyway. What was the approval of some third year worth to him? “Fuck all”, he mumbled, deep in thought.

“What was that?” Julian asked from the seat next to him. The mere sound of his voice was enough to wake a polar bear from hibernation, filling it with rage and causing it to lash out. That would be nice, to lash out at Julian, but they were in a class he was flunking during a school year he was barely passing, so he kept his thoughts to himself.

“Oh nothing, I was just thinking.”

“About what?” Julian suddenly seemed extra interested, turning his body in his chair to face Isak and resting his lazy jaw on the palm of his hand, which also happened to be suppressing and holding back a thick layer of greasy brown hair.

Isak rolled his eyes. “Nothing.”

“Ah, so you said fuck all because that’s what you were thinking about?” Julian’s expression reeked with pride at the joke he just made, while he scanned Isak’s face for a response, seemingly thinking he had outwitted Isak enough to make him give him a real answer.

“Yes.”

“Oh,” and back went his nose into the textbook, clearly trying to look like he was concentrating instead of actually concentrating, and avoiding eye contact with Isak at seemingly all costs. ‘ _Weird’_ thought Isak, but this time he decided not to say it and, more importantly, not risk another conversation with Julius, or whatever his name was.

It was then, while he was writing notes on whatever his teacher was rambling about, that he remembered the short, pale girl who had all but begged him to go to Sara’s on Saturday, and it was with a grimace that he realised he had no excuse to get out of it. Instead, he sat and silently prayed to whatever God existed that Eva would go with him. He didn’t believe in God, especially since much of his mother’s breakdown had resulted in her “turning to the lord” for advice in “times of adversity”, whatever the fuck that meant, all he knew was that he now received a daily bible verse from her about how great God is, or how one should live their life – although “you should not murder” seemed pretty fucking obvious to him. Despite his – or rather, his mother’s – beliefs, he still prayed, because he knew that there was no way he could make it through even an hour of this party if Eva wasn’t also going to be in attendance with him.

As it turns out, Isak was shit at remembering stuff, so it was at 2 pm on Saturday that he asked Eva to go, and it was at 2:01 pm on Saturday that he found out Noora had already asked Eva to go with her. It stung a little bit, not that he allowed himself to admit that.

This meant two things; they would need to be ready early so Noora could come over for pre-drinks, since Isak decided he didn’t want to be half-naked around someone he barely knew, and that once they got there, Isak would be mostly alone – save for maybe the odd conversation with Jonas, not that he seemed to have much time for Isak now he and Mikael had started to bond as friends, which Jonas still refused to explain the origins of.

But, when 7 rolled around, and the bottles of wine came out from the cupboard for pre-drinks, Isak began to feel more relaxed, savouring every laugh he shared with Eva before Noora arrived. Eva often drank wine before a party, especially when Noora would be there. Her excuse was that she felt “classier” drinking wine, and she hoped she would act classier when they arrived at the party, and although Isak was yet to see ‘classy’ drunk Eva, he appeased he while they opened their second bottle of wine, before a buzz on the intercom interrupted their conversation and Isak realised that he had awoken from the dream he had been living, as Noora walked in.

There was nothing wrong with Noora, after all she seemed nice and friendly and smart, but he knew what went on in Eva’s head while she was with her, and he suspected that what went on in Noora’s was completely different. Also, she was annoying, but lately Isak seemed to be finding everyone annoying.

After around half an hour of dry conversation and forced laughter, Isak decided it was time to go; he probably wouldn’t enjoy the party but at least there he could leave when it got boring. He was, at this moment, aware of himself – how boring he must seem to Noora and how to her he probably just looked like a moody teen, but he couldn’t find it in him to give a flying fuck what she thought.

So, upon his word, they both rose from their seats and together they walked to the bus stop, and before Isak could realise what was going on he found himself alone on a seat across from his friends, and while they giggled to themselves he couldn’t do much except study the person sat next to him. A middle-aged woman, with plump limps but deep smile-lines. She reminded him of his mother – or who his mother used to be – he hadn’t spoken to her recently but he knew she was thinner now, her hair longer and greyer and her eyes deeper in their sockets. He also knew he didn’t want to see her – he couldn’t bring himself to, and he had accepted that and decided to push all sadness and guilt to the bottom of his stomach, hoping the acid inside it would melt it all away.

As he walked into the party, a crowd of too-drunk people half-danced, half-stumbled around the room, which was full, meaning Isak had to squeeze past people to get a drink, which was uncomfortable at the best of times but was made worse when someone he knew had liked him for a while decided he was trying to “feel her up”, so she pushed herself closer to him, all the while Isak was still without a drink. After this encounter, Isak decided to skip the drink and get to the nearest exit from the crowd – the stairs up which led to the bathroom. He could feel his face begin to flush, so he almost-ran up until he reached the plain white door of the bathroom, only to discover it was locked.

He knocked on the door for a few minutes, then as his agitation began to set in he began to pound on the door, before finally it opened and out came Chris and some girl he didn’t recognise, she definitely didn’t go to Nissen.

“Well if you wanted to be included that badly, you could have just asked.”

Isak huffed at this attempted joke, and brushed past the flustered pair into the bathroom, where he splashed cold water over his face, the face that had begun to cool down before he had seen Chris and his apparent girlfriend, which had seemingly caused the redness to rear its ugly horns again.

Mere seconds had passed when he heard a thumping on the door again, and he gave himself at most a minute before he needed to be out there. In this minute, he dried his face with the towel that was neatly folded on a stool, downed a half-empty bottle of beer he had found in the corner and composed himself before walking out, and seeing Chris’ face.

“Not so nice is it?” He said through a smile, which symmetrical dimples appearing on both his cheeks. As was often the case with Chris, Isak felt something flip inside his stomach when he saw the dimples, but couldn’t – or wouldn’t – put his finger on it.

“I guess not.” He tried not to smile, but he suspected that his face had betrayed him, and the grin on Chris’ face reaffirmed this. Shit. It was then that he realised he had almost missed Chris’ humour, and how easy conversation was with him. So, when Chris asked if he needed a drink, Isak contentedly obliged and followed him downstairs like a puppy following its owner. “So,” he began, “you seemed to really be getting along with that girl back there. Is she your girlfriend?”

“Her? Oh, no, she’s not my girlfriend, I barely know her name.”  
  


“Oh.” Isak wasn’t sure why, but a smile crept onto his face at this, and Chris seemed to notice.

“So how do you know Sara?”

Isak liked this. He liked the way Chris didn’t dwell on a topic for long, allowing it to linger in the air and turn into awkward silence, instead preferring to move on, as though he had what he needed from that conversation and was now ready for a new topic. It made Isak feel easy.

“Oh, actually I don’t, some girl I barely know invited me to this, I think her name was Hilda?”

At this, Chris laughed, “Vilde?”

“Yes, maybe, I don’t know but I don’t know Sara either, she just cornered me after a tutoring session on Monday.”

“So is that why you weren’t on the bus with Eva like you normally are?”

There he went again, changing the subject to something different. “Yeah, it was,” and before Isak could ask how Chris knew he normally caught the bus with Eva, Chris had bent down in front of him, and Isak caught his breath. Then, Chris popped back up, this time with two bottles of beer in his hand, offering one to Isak and opening one for himself, and this time it was Isak who changed the topic. “So, do you kiss people you barely know often?”

“Are you offering?”

Isak was now sure he was blushing, and his stomach flipped slightly and the twinkle in Chris’ eye suggested that he knew this. “No, why would I be? I’m not gay.” He spoke as though he were rushing to get the words out of his mouth, as though he had only one breath and no time left to live. All Chris did was laugh, and grab Isak’s hand, leading him to a room in the back, similar to the living room where the main party was raging, but darker and smaller and more privacy. The room was nicely decorated, the new-looking leather couches without a crease on them, and the lamp shades collecting dust in the corners of the room, and the plain walls each containing a few pictures within them, two smiling women with a younger girl in the middle, who Isak recognised as Sara, at least he assumed it was Sara, since it was her house. There was no mirror, and no windows, and no lock on the door. “I don’t think we should be in here.”

“Then leave.”

But Isak didn’t. Despite what his brain was saying, his feet stayed planting firmly to the floor, unable to make his legs walk away. And Chris didn’t leave either. Instead, they stood there, Isak avoiding Chris’ eyes while Chris searched for his. They stood there for a while, before either of them spoke. It was Chris.

“So… why haven’t you left yet?”

“I don’t think I want to.”

Chris smiled. A small smile, but his eyes gained a twinkle and his dimples came back, and then Isak finally met his eyes, and then they caught each other’s hands, touched their foreheads together and kissed, and for the first time, Isak felt something when he kissed someone. He’d kissed people before, he’d even kissed Eva back when he liked her, since she insisted it would “get it out of his system”, but now he wasn’t sure she was ever in his system, and he though Chris might be.

It was only the squeezing of Chris’ hands that fetched Isak back to reality, as he savoured the simplicity of Chris’ lips against his own. There wasn’t any tongue, it was just lips, and yet he felt more then than he had felt before, and he was okay with it, in that moment, and after a few short seconds, they stepped back from each other, and suddenly Isak felt an overwhelming urge to do it again, but then he heard Eva’s voice calling his name from down the hall. He knew he ought to go to see what she needed. She sounded upset, like she was crying and even though it happened often when she drank, the noise still pained him. However, at the same time his hands were still in Chris’, and he didn’t really want to let go. But then, when he heard her getting closer, he ripped himself apart from Chris and edged towards to door, silently telling Chris to stay there, which he looked disappointed by, his smile falling.

When Isak went into the hallway, he was greeted by a firm grip on his arm by Eva, who dragged him from the room he had just been in, and insisted on leaving. “We need to go, something’s happened with my mum and I need to get home.” Isak obliged, slightly disappointed about his time being cut short just as he had found a place to be, but equally excited to get away from whatever the fuck had just happened. It was only when they were almost out the door, however, that Isak saw, out of the corner of his eye, what he thought the real reason they were leaving was.

Noora was kissing a boy in the corner, William, and in that moment he also saw Chris in the other corner of the room, talking to some blond girl who was dressed in clothes that were too tight and too short, and Isak noticed that he had the same dimples and the same twinkle in his eye as when he had been talking to Isak.

And then Eva and Isak left the party, set to go home, and deciding to walk. They had no money for the bus and often enjoyed walking home together after a party, reminiscing on what had happened during the night. Often, they laughed at stories the other had to share. Tonight, they walked side by side in silence, each thinking about what they had seen, and each too afraid to ask the other what they were thinking of.

When they arrived home, the silence stopped, as they talked about nothing until they fell asleep, both on top of Isak's bed and both feeling lead weights in their stomachs.


	3. You've done this before.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Isak keep crossing paths, but will Isak have to resign himself to only brief greetings in the hallways of their school?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst then fluff lol I don't LOVE this chapter but it sets up the rest of the story nicely I think. Also there's a cameo (is that the right word?) from everyone's favourite tall blonde pansexual :) 
> 
> Thanks (?) for 300ish hits, and 22 kudos :) It's not loads but its cool to know I'm not talking to myself here.
> 
> ps. I know the summary is bit gay but idk what to write lol.

**_SUNDAY_ **

When Isak woke up it was late afternoon, his was head pounding and his eyes were blurry, Eva was gone from the bed; which wasn’t uncommon for the morning after a party – she was a morning person, and had probably cleaned the whole flat and cooked 3 meals while he still slept. However, this morning it felt different. The gap in his arms where she had laid felt larger, as though she had vanished completely, and he was left completely alone. He didn’t know why he felt alone, the night before was fuzzy at best, and he only really remembered up until Noora arrived at their apartment, but he knew that his lungs felt like lead in his chest. He bit his lip as he tried to remember what had happened, but as soon as flashes of the night before came they left him again, taking another memory with them as they did, until he was left feeling empty, empty enough to venture to the kitchen for some food.

When he walked in, he saw the wine bottles still on the floor, a few drops spilled on the carpet, scattered around roughly where they had been sitting. Then, his eyes drifted up to the bowls in the sink, left to ‘soak’ by Isak last night after he’d eaten half of the pasta Eva had given him. She always insisted on eating before they drank, spouting wonderous claims that it would prevent hangovers, or that it would allow you to still have control over yourself when the night grew longer and longer.

Then, he noticed Eva, sat at the messy kitchen table, biting he lip and scrolling through her phone with large, sad-looking eyes. She barely seemed to notice him until he spoke, his voice barely able to whisper a short hello, the words almost getting caught in his throat as he tried to force them out. He wasn’t sure why, but this was the worst hangover he had ever had, and after drinking almost every weekend for the last year, he’d had a few. Even when her face turned to greet him, he saw that her attention was directed elsewhere; still at the blue light emitting from her phone. It was when Isak came closer that he saw what she was looking at; Noora’s relationship status had changed from _single_ to _in a relationship,_ and to add insult to an already hurtful injury, it was with William Magnussen.

Eva looked broken, as though her circuitry had overheated and needed rebooting, and as she scrambled to her home page when she noticed Isak, he saw something in her he never had before; weakness. “Are you okay, Eva?” He asked, tentatively, since he knew he had no real reason that she wouldn’t be, and yet he could tell, both by her face and her untidy environment, that she wasn’t. He wasn’t really asking if she was ok, he was asking if she needed him to be there, if she needed someone to talk to.

“Why wouldn’t I be, Isak?” She almost spat the words at him, not turning to face him but instead turning her back further. Nothing except her words told him that she was okay, but he knew that he now had to leave her be, he had known her for long enough to realise that when she didn’t want to talk, all you could do was leave her alone, or be forced away, and he preferred the former.

Isak then decided to offer her a mug of tea, which she declined sharply, before saying that she needed a nap, and then she disappeared to her room, locking the door behind, and Isak was alone again, and while he made himself coffee, since he didn’t drink tea, he focused himself into remembering what had happened the night before.

As he boiled the kettle, he remembered Chris walking out of a bathroom with a girl, whose face he couldn’t really remember except from how red her cheeks had flushed as he brushed past them. As he poured the water, he remembered the pair of dancer girls who had walked up to him, bearing the offer of a threeway, which he had declined, before almost running away. He also remembered the girl who had accused him of feeling her up, before moving his hand closer to her body. Overall, he remembered running away from quite a few situations, and despite none of these memories sparking joy, he couldn’t pinpoint a reason why he felt like he did. Maybe it was the bottle he had drank in the bathroom? Or maybe someone had put something in the beer bottle Chris had given him? Either way, this was the worst he’d every felt.

He didn’t know much, but as he scrolled through Facebook and saw pictures of Noora and her new boyfriend, the heavy feeling in his chest began to worsen and worsen. He didn’t know much, but he knew he wanted to be back in the comforts of his room, he knew he wanted to climb under the covers and stay there until the feeling passed, so that is what he tried to do. He walked into the room, lightly furnished with plain walls and blue striped sheets, and grey curtains, and he pulled the green stuffed dinosaur that he’d had since he was small out from the side of his bed, and wrapped himself up in the covers, and slept.

He hadn’t set an alarm, but when he woke up it was dark outside, and the clock on his dresser read 4:13, meaning there would be nobody around and nobody to talk to. So, like any rational person would, he grabbed a t-shirt, slid some pyjama trousers on his feet, and went for a walk. He didn’t know how long he walked for, but he knew he found himself outside Chris’ house. He didn’t go in, instead he kept walking, until he found that he had passed Jonas’ house, Sana’s house and just about all of his friends’ houses, and he had barely met a soul. Had he been feeling brave, he might’ve gone up to one, hoping one could lend a listening ear or spare a soothing word, but he wasn’t upset, he instead just felt lonely. When he arrived back home, the clock on his dresser told him that he had been walking for over two hours, and that he’d need to be up for school in less that one. But, ignoring what his brain wanted him to do, and what he wanted to do, he unplugged his alarm clock and went back to sleep, the darkness and the silence wrapping around him like the comforting arms of an old friend.

It was just over an hour later when Eva, running characteristically late, peaked her head around the door, to see Isak almost dressed, asleep and clutching a pillow as though it was trying to escape. His eyes looked red, but he looked peaceful, so she felt almost bad as she sat on his bed and shook him awake, asking him to wake up. He opened his eyes, and proclaimed that he wasn’t going to school – he didn’t feel well. Bullshit, she thought, so she tried again. This time he almost shouted at her to leave, but despite the anger she saw in his expression, she saw in his eyes that what he was feeling wasn’t anger – it was desperation, as though he were a stray dog that had been backed into the corner of an alley, beaten and bruised and just wanting to be alone.

She didn’t know what was wrong with Isak, she’d never seen him look so hurt before, apart from when his parents split and his mother was left a husk of a woman, but that was almost a year ago, and that made sense to her. But, she knew she needed to go to school, and leave Isak alone to heal – maybe he just still had a hangover, she had barely seen him yesterday either, so she got on the bus, and when she got home, the apartment was cleaned, Isak was out of bed and acting like nothing had ever been wrong, as though he’d really just had a bad hangover.

“So then I emailed all of my teachers, and they’ve all sent me work that I’ve done already, and then I used the vacuum for the first time other and then-“ as Isak rambled about how “productive”, Eva’s train of thought had drifted away from what he was saying, and instead to the sight on Noora’s Facebook profile, which featured a photo of her and William as the profile picture and a blank cover photo, as well as the words “in a relationship”, which she had read so many times they had been engraved in her mind. She didn’t have any reason to care, but she did, she felt as though her friend had betrayed her, for someone who had used her once and then bullied Isak and every other person too afraid to stand up for them. Eva also noticed, while Isak’s voice was still enthusiastically drifting through the air, that Isak looked… different. His whole body seemed to look different, and apart from looking a little bit thinner, there was no reason for it, he just looked different.

“But when I got out of bed and drank some water, I felt instantly better!” He sat back now, feeling almost accomplished at what he had achieved today, despite the rocky start he had begun with. He felt almost angry at himself for wasting yesterday, but today he felt empowered, a new person.

He knew it wasn’t the water, what had actually happened was he realised that his mother had done the same thing once – for seemingly no reason she had just locked herself away for days, refusing to talk or eat or do anything, and if Isak wanted one thing out of his life; it was to be nothing like his mother.

The next day, he woke Eva up, he was awake far too early and had gotten dressed far too soon after waking up, but he didn’t care – he knew that he could wallow in reasonless distress, or he could get up and built a bridge for the water to flow under. What he didn’t realise, was that he had actually just built a house of cards tall enough so that he couldn’t see the problems mounting up at the bottom.

He was wearing a black hoodie that was a little too big for him, blue jeans and some black converse, nothing unusual, nothing that could allow William or his gang of brutes to target him, nothing that would make him stand out. And all day, none of them did, and it was while they were walking to KB on break that Eva finally told him about William and Noora being together. Of course, he already knew. It was being shoved down the throats of all their, or her, friends at all hours of the day, but he acted surprised anyway, and he could hear that Eva was upset that she thought she had lost her friend. Isak didn’t say a lot, because inside he was secretly glad that he could spend more time with Eva now, but he could tell she was hurting inside, which made his own selfish thoughts less comforting.

It was when they arrived at KB, and Isak left Eva in the line so he could get them a table, that he watched William, Noora, Chris and Sara walk in, and sit at a table, while William smirked in Eva’s direction, and Isak felt suddenly protective and angry. Then, when Eva sat down with a coffee for Isak and a green tea concoction for herself, Noora stood up, said something which he assumed to be along the lines of “I’m just going to say hi to Eva, I’ll be back in a second”, to which William seemed to frown, before deciding that he too would go over and greet Eva and Isak, who he had never spoken to before, and whose names he had actively tried not to learn.

So, over they came, and as Noora said a forced hello to Eva, William looked Isak up and down, as he so often did, before ruffling his hair and picking up his coffee, taking two big gulps and slamming it down, prompting an evil glare from Noora, who seemed annoyed at his rudeness, and a scoff from Eva, aimed more at Noora than anyone. Then, after a few minutes of excruciating awkwardness, they turned their backs and headed back to where they came from; a boy who wasn’t looking up from the table and the smiling but dull-looking girl he had his arm around. “Fuck them,” said Isak, after making sure they were out of earshot. “Why the fuck is she with him anyway, he’s a dick.”

“And apparently that’s what she likes.” Eva’s tone was sombre, as though she was yearning for something she couldn’t have anymore. Isak didn’t know how to respond, so he didn’t, and instead threw his coffee cup in the bin, before staring daggers at William from across the café. He seemed to know his job was done, smirking at Isak as he wrapped his arm tightly around Noora, as though he was afraid she might run away.

Isak noticed Chris next to them, still only focusing on the table, before pulling out his phone, and Isak felt his own buzz in his pocket at the same time. “hi” Isak read it twice, then checked the name three times, before looking up and seeing that Chris had looked up, to meet Isak’s eye, and then had looked back down at his phone, obviously gesturing for Isak to reply, and he obliged.

Hi

hi

How come u werent at school yesterday?

Felt like shit.

“Felt like shit, why did you notice?” Was what he wanted to write, but he decided against it, electing instead to be as easy as possible and to allow the conversation to die, all thoughts of that insignificant night buried in the woods in an unmarked spot.

Oh. Do you feel better today?

Yes

Do you have your tutoring after school again today?

I think so, why?

In all honesty, Isak had completely forgotten about the fact that he was failing biology, but he decided he ought to go, even though he might get cornered by Vilde again, since his teacher would be pissed that he missed class yesterday.

Does that mean I’ll see you on the bus then?

Isak scoffed, almost audibly, causing Eva to seemingly burst awake and ask what was wrong. “Nothing, I think we need to go to get back for Math,” and she agreed, and they left Sara, and William, and Noora, and Chris, behind.

That night, Isak adhered to the promise he’d made himself; bidding Eva farewell before heading back inside at 3:30, which almost felt wrong, to go back into a place you just came out of – but as he did he knew it was right, he knew he ought to, maybe, not fail biology and get held back a year. Once again, the session was uneventful, bar the fact that Julian was there, despite that he was doing OK in biology, but he claimed he just wanted to do better, an excuse Isak knew to be bullshit since he hated biology, but he couldn’t think of a better reason he’d be there so he simply let him ask all the questions about Isak’s apparent “skip day”, and entertained his bullshit for once, even if it was only for an hour (which, Isak thought, felt like lasted 5 hours with Julian in his ear the whole time).

He hadn’t replied to Chris’ message – he saw no reason to, Chris knew that he didn’t have a car and his apartment was too far to talk, unless he wanted to be home at midnight. Well, maybe not midnight, but definitely not the time he would prefer. The whole session, he was staring at the clock waiting to be allowed out – convincing himself simultaneously that it was because he wanted to get home, because he was tired, and not, in fact, because he knew that Chris would probably be nearby.

When he got on the bus, however, his heart sank to his stomach when he saw that it was almost empty, apart from a very tall guy who looked a few years older than Isak, and who happened to be very attractive, and the only other person was the bus driver. Not as confident as Chris, he elected to sit at the back, as far away from the stranger as possible. Then, just as the bus started to pull away, Chris got on, his eyes scanning the rows and lighting up slightly when he saw Isak, before lunging across the bus, past the other handsome stranger and to the chair next to him.

“Hi” he said, smiling dumbly at Isak.

“Oh, hi”

“You didn’t respond to my text yesterday, I didn’t know if you’d be here”

“I don’t have a car like some people” The words came out with more malice than Isak had intended, but the sentiment was the same nonetheless.

“I suppose not. How are you?”

“I’m okay, and you?”

“I’m good, where were you Monday?”

“I felt ill, probably hungover from Saturday.”

“From the one bottle of beer you had?” As he said this, his eyes seemed to shine and as he smiled, a pair of parentheses appeared either side of his mouth in the form of dimples.

“Maybe, I don’t know, all I know is I didn’t really want to get out of bed, but by the end of the day I felt fine.”

“So you were back on Tuesday.”

“I was.”

“I’m sorry about William, by the way, he’s not always like that, he’s just–”

“A dick.”

Chris laughed, but upon realising that Isak was serious, he straightened his face and tried to look solemn. “Yeah, I guess he seems that way.”

“Why are you friends with him if he’s a dick?”

“I feel like I have to. We’ve been friends forever, even before he was a dick, so now I feel like I’m too deep in, so I just pretend like I don’t see what he’s doing, when in reality I want to punch him. All the time.”

“Hm.” Isak seemed to chew on this for a moment. He couldn’t really understand how someone as nice as Chris could bare to be around a bully like William, but then he supposed that nobody is nice all the time.

“What are you doing tonight?” The question took Isak off-guard, with Chris constantly changing the topic like a mouse running from either end of a garden.

“Probably gonna go home, and make myself some pasta, Eva is out on some girls’ night with some friends from work. And you?”

“Do you mind if I come over? My parents are back for a few days between stops in Madrid and Moscow, and I’d rather not spend too much time around them.”

“Ok, sure.” He maybe didn’t look it, but he took selfish happiness from the fact that Chris would rather be with him than his parents, even though he felt bad for him that it was like this, but then, Isak could relate; and maybe that’s why he wanted Chris to come over, because he knew how it felt to desperately want to avoid your parents, as he had hidden many times from his mother before she acquired a live-in carer.

“We need to get off the bus then.”

“No we don’t. My building is still a few blocks away.”

“Just trust me?” Chris asked, offering his hand, which Isak took, and Chris knew that meant he did.

Chris led him down a few alleys, and edged himself a bit closer to Isak as they squeezed down a tunnel beneath a bridge over the road, and then staying close as they entered the parking lot of the cheap-but-cheerful apartment complex Isak called home. While they were stood shoulder to shoulder in the elevator, Isak became suddenly self-conscious at the size of his “house” compared to Chris’, which if not a mansion certainly felt like one. Chris didn’t seem to mind though, he didn’t do that thing people do where they don’t touch the walls and just stare at the floor, or at the dirt on it. At least his own room was clean, Isak thought, and the flat was temporarily empty.

He led the way down the corridor, once again touching Chris ever-so-slightly with his shoulder, occasionally brushing his hand with his own. He opened the door, kicked his shoes off and escorted Chris to the kitchen, giving him a tour. “So this is our living room, which is also our kitchen, and our dining room.”

“Nice. Mind if I sit?” and before waiting to hear the answer, he sprawled along the couch, before moving a little to the side so that Isak could sit too. Isak’s palms suddenly felt sweaty, and his leg started bouncing, prompting Chris to place his big hand on his thigh in an attempt to make it stop, but instead only making it worse. “When will Eva be back?”

“I don’t know, she said something about staying the night I think.”

“Oh, cool” Chris looked up from his hands, after realising that he was staring at them. He looked up and down at Isak, curious about what Isak thought of him, and whether or not he remembered what happened at the party on Saturday, and if it had any link to his temporary disappearance on Monday.

With very little tact, Chris asked, “How much do you remember of Saturday night, Mr Hungover?”

“Quite a lot, and quite a few bits that I think we’d both rather forget.”

“Yeah, you interrupting me and that unnamed girl was a bit awkward.” He feigned sincerity, and fought with his face to hide a smile.

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”

“What did you mean, that’s all I can remember.” His tone was lower now, in pitch and volume, and Isak thought it almost sounded flirty; as though he knew what he meant and just wanted Isak to say it.

“Oh, you know, when you chatted up that other girl as I was leaving.”

“What other girl? I only really remember trying to chat you up.”

Isak’s heard leaped from its place and dropped to the bottom of his stomach. _What the Fuck do I say to that._ “Well you weren’t all that good at it then.”

“Can I give it another go then?” He was sat on the couch, arms sprawled around the back of the chair and one leg on the chair, one leg off. Everything he seemed to do, he did with ease, leaving Isak astounded and jealous. He seemed oddly interested in Isak aswell, and attention was something that Isak didn’t receive often, so when he did he was OK with it, regardless of the source. With this in mind, he agreed to let Chris try and make him swoon, something he was sure friends did very often.

As it turns out, Chris was remarkably good at it. “You’ve done this before,” choked out Isak through fits of laughter.

“I have, is that okay?” Chris was smiling too. A large, bright smile that spanned his face and created dimples in the sides of his cheeks. He had his arms around Isak’s waist, slightly taller than him, with his dark hair gelled into a small quiff above his head, but as he bent down a little, a few strands of hair bent down with him, just grazing the top of Isak’s nose, as he pressed their foreheads together. “Did it work better this time?”

Isak felt flustered, for no reason other than pure embarrassment, at the situation he found himself in. Despite this, he didn’t pull away, allowing himself to stand for a moment in Chris’ arms; confused but content. “I’ll take that as a yes,” said Chris in response to himself, the same dumb but handsome smile across his face, but now he softly pressed his lips to Isak’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my [Twitter!](https://twitter.com/yelIcwcurtains)


	4. You're Thinking Too Loud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally just fluff. Entirely fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I know the tags say slow burn but I lied a lil bit. Also this took ages to write bc my brain said ^&^£*£$" whenever I tried to write lol. It has no plot, there's a lot of monologue here, and I think for the first time I focused on Chris a bit more. Fun! Anyway hope u enjoy this if u see it.

After a few seconds; Isak counted three, they pulled away, and while Chris searched for Isak’s eyes, Isak searched for Chris’ lips. Neither seemed to know what to do next. “So… Do you do that to girls often? Where are you headed after here?”

“Shut up,” Chris said through a smirk.

“What? What have I done?” Isak feigned confusion, and then Chris gave the answer he wanted.

“I’m staying here.”

It was Isak’s turn to smile now, savouring every moment that Chris’ arms were around his neck. He now understood how he should have felt every time he’d kissed girls, and why he didn’t, but he didn’t say it. They moved across the hall into Isak’s box-room.

It was warm, decorated with magnolia paint, a single, leafy plant and plain floors and closets, with a small window next to his single bed, barely even big enough for him to sleep in alone. He hadn’t really thought this through much, but he also hadn’t thought he’d ever be here, kissing a man-whore third year.

When Chris leaned in again, Isak pulled back, not out of lack of want, but out of fear for what it meant. However, this made them both go falling backwards onto the single bed, Chris on top of Isak in an awkward way. Now, Isak thought, they were playing an extremely dangerous game. If he didn’t end this now then there was a high chance Eva would come home tomorrow to find someone less-than-ideal in Isak’s bed. Despite knowing this, knowing the consequences of his possible actions, knowing that in the morning, he would regret what was about to happen, he kissed Chris, wrapping his hands around his neck and allowing his fingers to comb gently through the hair on the back of Chris’ head.

Chris was thinking similarly, as he kissed Isak tenderly on his lips, slowly but passionately, thinking about how he could get out of this in the morning, but not caring right now, only interested in the feeling of his hands in his hair, and his own hands grazing Isak’s waist, on top of his hoodie, even though he’d rather they were under it.

They stayed this way for a minute, each wanting to go further, to elevate themselves past hugs and kisses, but each too afraid to do something. But, each eventually caved to their own desire, removing articles of clothing one by one, drawing the curtains and dropping down onto the bed. There they stayed for a while, kissing until they were bored, which isn’t the right word, the right word may not exist.

But either way, Chris pulled Isak lower, under his arm, and now both boys lay shirtless and flustered, enjoying each other’s embrace for a while, as Isak pulled the covers over them.

A few moments of forever passed. “I just need to use the bathroom, I’ll be right back,” and then he walked out, barely dressed to the bathroom – which was OK because, as Chris had made sure, Eva was out. He knew there was no chance of anything happening while Eva was here, and his chances were looking slim at this point too. He wasn’t sure he wanted Isak, he wasn’t sure he wanted anything except something different to the blonde girls he usually chased after. He wasn’t sure about much, especially when it came to Isak, he knew he was into him, but he wasn’t sure if he was into him as much as he was girls. He had thought that what had happened just then was his chance, and now he was certain it had passed.

With that in mind, he weighed up in his mind a balanced scale of whether or not to leave, to grab his hoodie off the floor and slip out of the door while Isak wasn’t looking, it was almost eight, so he could always say he was super-tired if Isak ever asked, not that he thought he would. In his mind, he didn’t want to leave, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his parent’s faces if he ever came home with anyone other than some picket-fence wife, never mind a boy. He knew it would be easy to leave, to slip out the back door, no questions asked, to convince himself that it was a dream that he had kissed and shared tongues with some mousy first year boy, to forget as soon as he walked out of the door what he had been doing from the hours of 5 to 8 on this Tuesday, to convince himself that he had just been studying with William, or spending the night with someone he knew he should like.

But, despite what his brain was telling him, he decided to pretend he hadn’t been thinking of leaving; of anything except Isak. Through the cream blinds on the window, slits of dusk sunlight lit up the room in a hazy glow, circling paths of light around Chris’ chest. He noticed a few shadows dancing round a textbook, for physics. As he was moving to get a closer look, Isak walked back into the room.

“You study physics?”

“Yeah, I love it but I might have to drop it, as I’ve said Biology is not going well.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“I was never smart enough to do physics, my teachers wouldn’t let me take it.”

Isak didn’t say anything; he didn’t feel like he needed to and he didn’t know what to say anyway. Chris’ words were almost surface-level, barely grazing beneath the surface of what could be talked about, but Isak knew Chris didn’t say this often. He was clenching his jaw tightly, and avoiding Isak’s desperate searches for his eyes. Isak didn’t really think about what he did next, but since the bed wasn’t quite big enough for two people, he decided to straddle Chris, planting a soft kiss on his lips before rolling himself next to Chris, barely coming up for air, and suddenly Chris was glad he had stayed. He rolled himself on top of Isak, the two still connecting at the lips, and he raised Isak’s hands above his head, kissing his neck before bringing his mouth back up, savouring the taste of Isak’s lips on his own. He moved his hands away, pressing his elbows into the bed as he cupped Isak’s face in his hands, pressing their bodies together.

Isak’s mind was racing. He knew this was wrong, his mother had sent him many bible quotes and he was sure there was something about homosexuality in there somewhere, _Romans? Acts?_ He wasn’t sure but he knew what with every thing he was doing, he was disappointing his mother. He didn’t care though. She wasn’t here; she had abandoned him to her illness and he was left as a pile of pieces for Eva and Jonas to pick up. But that was then, and he was now somewhere that she wasn’t, he was here, with Chris, and in this moment Chris was kissing Isak so softly that he couldn’t have thought about being anywhere else with anyone else.

As Chris’ hands loosened around his own, he relaxed, wrapping his arms around his neck, and kissing him back. He relished the feel of his own chest against Chris’, feeling the warmth surrounding him like an embrace of passion. Chris rolled back down until the two were side by side, and Isak moved back slightly, nervous to go on. “Can we just, lay here for a little while?”

“Sure,” smiled Chris, opening his arms so Isak could curl up into his neck. Chris realised then that he should have left earlier when he had the chance to. He knew now that he wasn’t going to get what he had wanted, but for some reason, even now, he didn’t want to leave. He wanted to stay here forever, suspended in this pocket of time until his heart stopped beating. Isak’s eyes fluttered closed, and Chris held him tighter.

“You’re thinking really loud.”

“What?” Chris chortled out.

Isak sat up, making himself level with Chris and half-smiling. “You’re thinking, and its loud. What’s going on in that mind of yours?” He prodded Chris’ head as he said that, not hard enough to hurt but enough to make his head move a little like a bobble head.

Chris knew he couldn’t tell the truth – that he’d been debating on whether or not to leave, even though he’d decided to stay. He needed to come up with something, quick but honest. He knew it didn’t need to be true, but he felt odd lying to Isak, even though they’d spoken twice, three times if you counted the party they were at together, but they didn’t really speak then. “Just my parents.” He didn’t know what else to say, because in truth, his parents were always in his mind, they were his main insecurity, how they viewed him, how they really felt about him behind the shallow “I love you”s they’d say before vanishing off for 2 months to Costa Rica for whatever reason or other, always leaving him at home, even during summer break.

Isak seemed to understand this, staying silent and just grabbing Chris’ hand. He seemed to know that there were some things people didn’t need to think about, never mind talk about. Chris’ eyes were suddenly stinging, so he excused himself to go to the bathroom, where he did nothing but spray cold water on his face and cool down. He placed his hands on the cold floor tiles, finding that the burning cold calmed him down. He struggled with the lock for a minute, realising that it went the opposite way to his own, and then left, stopping at his jacket on the way and grabbing a cigarette packet. When he arrived back, he was greeted by Isak staring at his phone, the blue glow illuminating his face in the otherwise dark room, he noticed it had gotten dark very quickly, and neither seemed to have noticed before. He found the light switch on the wall, to find it was a dimming switch, so he turned it slightly, so that it let out an almost-intimate glow across the room, just enough to see. He crawled back into the bed and held up the cigarette packet, “Do you mind?”

“Not at all.” He guessed from Isak’s eyes that he wasn’t a smoker, the way he watched Chris fumble with the lighter for a few seconds. In truth, he didn’t smoke all that often, only when he felt the stinging in his eyes, it seemed to calm him down. Isak was eyeing him as he languidly drew the cigarette to his lips and back away again. “Can I try?” he asked, tentative but curious.

“Sure,” he said, passing it along to Isak. He was shocked by the taste, almost indescribable, and then he burst out coughing, before deciding that smoking was not for him. Despite this, he was in awe at how ‘cool’ Chris looked while doing it. Smoking wasn’t cool; biology, chemistry and all the anti-smoking rants he’d had to endure in the assembly hall at school had told him that, but he couldn’t help but notice how it seemed to suit Chris. His face seemed relaxed, and it made him look more attractive, more free and at home in himself.

“Can I ask you something?” Isak asked, his eyes fixated on a stain on the biscuit carpet, red wine, he thought. He had meant to get that out.

“Sure, what is it?” He looked nervous, almost concerned, as he followed Isak’s eyes to the stain on the carpet, not noticing anything particularly of interest.

“Who was that girl at the party?”

“What girl?” Chris replied a little too fast, but Isak acted like he hadn’t noticed; as though Chris hadn’t stumbled over himself to get the words out. Isak looked up at him, a knowing look smeared across his face. “Oh, the one in the bathroom?”

“Yes. Who was she?”

“I don’t really know. I thought she was hot so we went into the bathroom together then she found me again at the end of the night. She told me her name but I’ve forgotten it now.”

“Are you going to forget me when you leave tomorrow?”

“I don’t think I could if I tried,” Chris smiled, kissing Isak again, not fast, not expecting it to amount to anything as he had earlier in the night, just a short, sweet kiss, before they sank back down in the bed and fell asleep, their limbs entangled around each other.

When Chris woke up, it was 4 am, or that’s what the alarm clock on the floor next to the bed told him, and he realised his parents were home, meaning he really shouldn’t be out. The only time they cared about his curfew was when they were home, which was inconvenient at best. It could be worse, he thought, they could install some kind of tracker to his car, but they didn’t. Not that it would matter right now, because it suddenly dawned on Chris that he hadn’t come here in his car, he had followed Isak onto the bus, which sounded creepier in his mind than it was. He was about to get dressed and take the night bus home, when Isak rolled over and wrapped his arm around his waist, and mumbled something Chris barely caught, but he thought he said “you’re thinking to loud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave a comment, share it or leave a kudos (is that grammar?) it actually does make me want to write more lol 
> 
> also while I wrote this I realised that my personal crutch phrase is "[x] searched for [y]'s eyes" l o l o l o l


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